When the preacher doubts

When the preacher doubts

During the height of violence, I was struck by a force that I had felt only a few times in the past. The first time was in university when someone had ignited my apartment’s front door with gasoline and I had so much adrenaline pumping trying to control the fire. The force stayed way longer than the actual fire. The second time I felt it was at my uncle’s house when a sniper had just fired a rubber bullet at him, and all of us at the house ducked instinctively. Then the rush of adrenaline helped us find a way to get my uncle to the hospital for treatment. That same force stayed with me longer than it took for his wounds to heal.

This time, I felt this force when I came across a group of religious Jewish boys walking towards my house. This force struck me and again the rush of adrenaline helped me get to my apartment safely. However, I have yet to deal with fear. Uncontrolled fear overwhelmed me, and it is a daily battle to subdue it.

I have to struggle with myself in my attempts to overcome fear and find ways to exorcise it out of me bit by bit. I feel like it is invading my being and causing me to question my beliefs:

  • How can you believe in peace when your own people are resorting to violence?
  • How can you believe in peace when they, your enemies, are pointing at your mere existence as reason enough to kill you?
  • How can you believe in peace when you, as peacemakers, are so weak and quiet?
  • How can you believe in peace when all the decision makers are advocating for war?
  • Aren’t you being naive to think you can live in peace? Even children don’t believe in it. Look at what they are doing?

Most days, I choose to be a peacemaker. Some days, I feel too tired. Today, I embrace my doubts and share them with you.

 
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